Writer's Blog

Transient Thoughts

Sunday, February 15, 2004

Kiddophobia

I have nothing against kids. In fact, when my turn comes, I am going to have lots of them. What shall I say, I am a creative person.

But I would rather they were born as five year olds (I am sure this, for different reasons, is a popular wish), with the power of speech and the use of their limbs so that you didn't have to worry about what to do with them . And it is only when they are five, or thereabouts, that their much acknowledged 'cuteness' begins to affect me.

I have never been able to hold a baby/kutti-child in my arms for long. Far from being able to hold him up over my head or toss him in the air as some of my relatives and friends manage to do. As for making wierd sounds like 'Oh lo, lo lo lo' and speaking in simplified child language (Oh ho, where have you been? What did you do in the morning with your Grandpa?) , even the thought of doing it gives me the goose bumps. I do sometime manage to wink at a kid or contort my nose or stick out my tongue, but as I have found out, babies find this much, inadequate.

Needless to say, I am pretty bad society for babies. I get extremely uncomfortable when my cousin wants to introduce her kid to my chumminess. And I don't know what to say. A warm shake hand and charming smile will scarcely suffice ( Probably in England it would, provided you added a 'Fine Weather we are having, what?') and I am under tremendous pressure to entertain the kid for before me it has enjoyed considerable appeasement from it's uncle and grand-parents.

If only just the baby's fooling about my person, pulling my hair or ears etc. would please the baby and the accompanying, expectant adults! These situations are accompanied by uncomfortable silences before the baby is taken from me by worthier arms, or I abdicate wilfully.

I hope all my relatives and friends read this post. I, like Calvin, like to keep everbody's expectations low.

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